Connection: The One Thing We All Want
“Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice” ~Charles F Kettering
Connection is something that we all want and at least for me, strive to have. By nature I am a quiet somewhat reserved person, so finding genuine connections is sometimes challenging for me. However, there is no more important connection than with my family; my wife Ashley and our son, Bear. I wanted to discuss the topic of connection with our kids because I have a fantastic bond with Ashley, but for a long time, I couldn’t find it with Bear. It’s something I had been struggling with and I wanted to share the process I went through to start understanding the bonding process with our children.
I think like most people I believed the moment my son arrived I was going to be head over heels in love with him and we would instantly share an undeniable bond. I thought the first time I held my son, I would never want to put him down. That’s what we’re all made to believe right? The gushy Instagram captions, the magical scenes portrayed in movies. Well, I can tell you that was the furthest thing from what I felt. As I was holding this little person, so blue and wrinkly, I honestly didn’t feel much of anything. Don’t get me wrong, I was in awe of the fact this was my child, but I didn’t feel that instant connection I was hoping to feel.
I really started to realize I wasn’t connected to Bear as much as I wanted to be a few days after we got home from the hospital. I know some women have an easier time initially connecting with their children considering they carry them for 10 months and have created that bond even before the baby is born. From the outside, it looked like Ashley was a natural. She seemed completely in tune with what his cry meant, what he needed at any given moment and how to soothe him. Not to mention the first few weeks she was up all night with him and seemed to have limitless energy for our son. *This wasn’t an accurate narrative as I discovered sometime later, see my blog on Postpartum for more on that!
With that being said, watching Ashley with Bear, there were two emotions that came to me. Happiness and sadness. I was obviously thrilled and so happy to see Ashley and Bear have that connection and you could see the love between them from the start. She can make him smile just by looking at him. She could make him laugh so easily. It was honestly the best moment in my life to see those two together. But of course, it also made me sad because I still couldn’t find that connection with our baby. I was still nervous to hold him, panicked when he cried and just couldn’t elicit the same joy out of him my wife could. I really thought there was something wrong with me. Ashley was amazing during this time reassuring me that Bear loves me and that it will just take time for us to solidify our bond.
We always joke that up until Bear was about 3 months he was basically a “sack of potatoes with eyes” that just eats and poops For me, that is why I had a really hard time connecting with him. He would just sit there not doing anything and not respond to things that I did. As someone who needs constant feedback during a conversation to feel connected, it was obviously a nightmare scenario for me. Luckily for me, a few months ago, Bear and I started to hit our stride.
Once he hit about 4/5 months something switched and he started to “talk”, laugh, observe people, and honestly just be the best little baby. He became such an unique baby that started to form a fun and happy personality which helped me relax. I could see the things that would make him laugh, I learned how to make him feel better when he’s sad and I started to come online as a father. We now have so much fun together. We have dance parties, we sing, we go walking and the thing is we laugh & laugh. More recently, we have started to go on runs together, and we are going to start skiing together (once we have snow again).
Being a new parent is hard. I believe we are told a story about the birth of our children that isn’t always true. In my case, this when this fantasy didn’t come true I started to doubt myself and my capabilities as dad. But, I gave it time and never stopped wanting to connect with my son. He’s now just over 7 months old and I literally could not be happier with my relationship with Bear and I know each day it is just going to get stronger and better.
